Things that teaching has made me realize about myself, Part I

I have OCD. Really.

As I start to lose more and more control at my job (control over the student's behavior, control over how much they hate me, control over my emotions and how obvious it's becoming that I hate my job, etc.), I rely more and more on these pathetic little routines that I have devised that make me feel like I have control over things outside of my job. Everything that I do at home fits into one of these routines. My alarm goes off at 4:30 am. I push the snooze button once and begrudgingly get up at 4:40 am. Before I get into the shower, I check and make sure that there is enough soap, shampoo and conditioner, because god forbid I realize halfway through that I am out of one of those things. In the shower, I first put shampoo on my hair. Then I wash, starting with my feet. I rinse the soap and shampoo off my body, and then apply the conditioner. I brush the conditioner through my hair, wash my face, and then rinse one more time. I have started brushing my hair one more time, after the conditioner has been rinsed out, but before I get out of the shower, because it has been so long since I have gotten a haircut that my hair has become impossible to brush through.

Out of the shower I put moisturizer on my face and deodorant on my armpits and then start to brush my teeth. Anyone that knows me well knows that I brush my teeth for a really long time, only because I don't stay in the bathroom while I do it. In the mornings, I continue to brush my teeth as I go to the kitchen and start to prepare my lunch. Lately my lunch has been one of those tuna + crackers kits because I love them so much. When my lunch is prepared, I wash an apple (my breakfast), put my vitamins in my lunch bag, and get everything set up by the garage door, ready to take. I go back to the bathroom and rinse out my toothpaste. I brush my hair again, secure it with a bobby pin, put on some mascara, get dressed, pick up my stuff, and must be out of the door by 5:30 am. If I get in my car and my car clock says 5:31, then I panic.

On the weekdays I only ever listen to NPR in my car. In college, I remember being really annoyed by people who said they listened to NPR, because I found it to be really pretentious and insincere, but when I got my own car I started listening, and now I get really on-edge if I miss a day of Morning Edition because of a school holiday or something. As I drive I eat my apple and take my vitamins. I started taking vitamins regularly about a year ago and, no joke, I have not had a cold since then, even though Matthew and Lee call them "snake oil". I am surprised by Lee's dubiety because I was present in his physical chemistry class when his professor told everyone to take vitamin E and fish oil every day....and he's a biochemist!! I have gotten really good at taking vitamins while I drive. I take a multivitamin, calcium, fish oil, flax seed oil, and I had been taking glucosamine/chondroitin for my bad hand, but recently ran out.

I usually get to school at 5:54, 6 minutes before the custodian is supposed to be there to open the gates. I like being early because I feel like once I'm there, the day has already started to end. It doesn't really make sense when I type it out, but it makes me feel good to be there that early. When the custodian arrives I go to my classroom and start to set up for the day. To me, being a teacher is like having to prepare for a 45-minute oral presentation every day, and then having to give that presentation 3 times. I hate public speaking more than anything. I say 45-minutes because I would never stand up and talk to the students for longer than that because they would revolt, but the classes are actually 2 hours long. So not only do you have to get up and give a presentation to 30 middle-schoolers who hate your guts and are 300 times more inclined to be rude and judgemental than your peers, but then you have to plan an activity that they can do for the other hour and 15 minutes. Anyway, that's not the point of this entry. The point is, from 5:54 am until 3:30 pm, my life is absolute chaos.

For the sake of my sanity, I try to leave the school as early as I can. On the drive home I listen to NPR and eat the lunch that I didn't have time to eat at school. I am always happy when I leave work. If there's one good thing about a difficult or unlikeable job, it's that time at home is 10 times more enjoyable. When I get home, I first carry my things inside. I greet Boy and Saki, and then go back outside. First I check the mail. I bring the mail inside, and then go back outside to feed the stray cats. I have been feeding a family of 4 stray cats since we moved into this house. They wait on our doorstep and shit in our yard, but they're really cute and I'm happy that I get to feed them. Back inside I rinse out my water bottle, refill it for the next day, and put it in the fridge. Then I restock my vitamin container for the next morning, and place my purse and my lunch bag in their designated spot. If there's any cleaning to be done I do it as soon as I get home. If it's a Friday, I devote the whole evening to cleaning the whole house. Today is a Wednesday, but it was also the last day of my work-week so I devoted all of this afternoon to cleaning the house.

Only when everything is in its right place can I allow myself to relax. I think that this has been my saving grace. If I were to allow my home life to become as chaotic as my work life, I would have surely gone crazy by this point. It's almost as though I am always subconsciously making things easier for my future self because I know how much I am going to appreciate it the next day.